Checking in

Ive been in quarantine for almost two months. Because of this corona thingy almost everyone is staying at home and avoiding direct physical contact. Not gonna lie that staying at home all the time is driving me crazy. A lot of things come to my mind. I begin to think (overthink actually) almost everything. In this very time of uncertainty, everything feels so hard.

The thoughts i used to had, the thoughts i thought have gone, begin to creep into my mind again. I am feeling a lot of things. Sadness, worry, pessimism. All those negative feelings. I started to be afraid of feeling happy because idk lately i feel like whenever i get too happy and content, the next day i know something bad happens. I once read somewhere that-i think it was a meme or something idk- it went by “Im afraid of being happy because whenever i am happy, bad things will happen” more or less. I remember i thought it was wrong when i read it for the first time. Because back then i believed that if you feel like being happy then just be happy, you dont have to think whats coming afterwards. I used to believe that we shouldnt limit our happiness just because we worry about the future. Good old times. I had a really simple mind back then. I didnt complicate things. I lived for that moment.

Now, it’s changed. Guess i turned for the worse. I dont live in the moment anymore. I worry a lot about my future. Back then when i was sad id never blame myself for being too happy before. Now, i am actually afraid of just smiling. Im afraid God will think im happy if i smile and will send some big waves to crush me again. And by big waves i mean some bad things that will torment me physically and emotionally. Silly me! I think i can lie to God. Geez. But anw thats what i feel. I am afraid of being happy. I dont want to be too happy. I get nervous even when im moderately happy tho. And nowadays  I question myself whenever i feel like everything goes just as smooth as i hope it be. I cant help but to second guess.

But seriously tho, do we live just to worry? Do we live just to feel tormented by our own thoughts? Is living supposed to be this hard? They said one needs to free one’s mind to actually see life better. What should i free my mind from? From bad thoughts? Trust me, i want to do it more than i can describe it but what can i do? Its not easy. And to say that its not easy is an understatement.